Last Day at University

My faculty room was almost empty, save for my desktop computer which needed reformatting. I checked my work inbox on that computer for the last time. I logged out my Google and Apple ID accounts, and erased all contents. I knocked on my tenure-track mentor’s door to say goodbye. Six months ago, he and I talked to my students about my resignation, and we all agreed to turn over academic advising duties to him. I already signed the papers transferring my computer and my lab equipment to him. I handed him the keys to my office and my copies of the keys to our/his laboratory spaces. I simply said “thank you” and asked him to take care of my students. He said they have all the skills they need, and enough data to graduate. He assured me that they could explain their research on their own now. Hearing this gave me much comfort – if they are ready, if they can continue, then It means that I’ve done my job.

My friend S was with me on my last day at the university. Like me, he is also an assistant professor in a Japanese university. Like me, he’s also in the process of moving. We have been friends since we were undergrads over 20 years ago. While we don’t live close, we’ve both been in Japan for the last 6, 7 years. He’s always been someone I relied on. And on my last day at work, it was no different. I asked him to be there because after my holidays, I haven’t been back to the university and I needed the support of a good friend.

The university, like my office, was almost empty too – it’s conference season, classes haven’t started, even the coffee shop was closed. It was a good time to exit without drawing attention. As we walked home from the university, I could feel the calm slowly envelope my mind and my heart. The occasional turbulence that would come in waves, turned quiet. It was still a hot and humid summer day, but it was beautiful. S and I had a delicious lunch and continued to talk for a couple more hours.

As I brought S to the bus stop, I realized that once again, our lives are going to change. It wasn’t the first time I’ve said goodbye to him – he’s moved to Europe and to the US for grad school before. Plus, he works in Earth Sciences, which takes him out to sea or the field for long chunks of time. But, nonetheless, the end of a chapter is always a poignant thing. We’ll see each other back home for the Christmas holidays anyways, I think as I try to comfort myself.

When I reached my apartment, I called my partner. It was hard to put in words how I felt then. I was surrounded by things from my office that still needed to be put away. I was calm, but with brief moments of overwhelm, by disbelief wrapped up in relief. There was also joy, and a big sense of freedom.

The initial feelings were hard to describe, but a couple of days in, I think I found the most accurate word that encapsulates how I feel at this moment — hopeful. 🙂

-Jess